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   Count Smokula, it is believed, was born 496 years ago in the town of Yabatubursk, near Glipsch, in Smokesylvania. Yet through an old series of family remedies, medicinal plants and herbs, he has retained his boyish vigor, and most people can't imagine he is a day over 380.

   Even as a boy, The Count was known to possess miraculous powers of entertainment and was much in demand as a singer of Smokesylvanian songs of joy and for his exquisite playing of the SqveezeBox, which he performed at many Shlabans and other social events throughout the Shmear Province.

   Although from one of the oldest and most prominent Smokesylvanian families (his great-grandfather Sverdling of Smokula was considered the benefactor of the region, and his likeness hung outside The Great Latrine of Glipsch), the Smokula fortune had been greatly diminished by the time of The Count's birth, and in fact he was called The Count because of his ability to find Grooshiks (coins) and count them over and over again. it is to this childhood ritual to which The Count attributes his dazzling ability to count to five.

   When he was about 11 years of age, the terrible Blue Plague swept through Smokesylvania. The boy was quite ill for several months and at one time was not expected to recover. His mother, however, determined that The Count should live, summoned a kropsik lady, who after performing an elaborate votchnik ritual on him, saved his life. However, since the cure involved transfusions involving caffeine, The Count has had a constant sturggle with cafe latte addiction. Several stays in a rehabilitation clinic have helped to clean out his system, but even one cupp of the latte keeps him up at night, and that has accounted for his perpetual pallor. The disease also left him with an unnatural craving for blues music, which he needs to hear constantly or he reverts to a near catatonic state.

   Upon recovering from the plague the boy Count was determined to regain his health through physical acticity, and also needed some extra Grooshiks to help the now-struggling family, and so obtained employment in the tanning factory of Zakneh and for a time cleaned the public clocks in Glipsch. Being of a rather capricious nature, he amused himself by changing the times on all the clocks. The Glipschniks,unaware of the little trick played on them, and always following public clocks for their schedules, never got anywhere on time, and hence the expression "A Glipsch on time, never boils."

   Eventually, The Count grew up and emigrated to the United States. Smokesylvania had changed. Lightbulbs had emerged, and the villagers no longer huddled around their television sets watching their favorite programs by candlelight. The Count took a hard look around and realized that all the excitement and dazzling television guests could be found in The Hollywood of the California. And that is where he now makes his home - as host of the only talk show in America to show and tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the Smokesylvanian truth - God help us all.

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