Count Smokula, it is believed, was born 496 years
ago in the town of Yabatubursk, near Glipsch, in Smokesylvania. Yet through
an old series of family remedies, medicinal plants and herbs, he has retained
his boyish vigor, and most people can't imagine he is a day over 380.
Even as a boy, The Count was known to possess
miraculous powers of entertainment and was much in demand as a singer of
Smokesylvanian songs of joy and for his exquisite playing of the SqveezeBox,
which he performed at many Shlabans and other social events throughout
the Shmear Province.
Although from one of the oldest and most prominent
Smokesylvanian families (his great-grandfather Sverdling of Smokula was
considered the benefactor of the region, and his likeness hung outside
The Great Latrine of Glipsch), the Smokula fortune had been greatly diminished
by the time of The Count's birth, and in fact he was called The Count because
of his ability to find Grooshiks (coins) and count them over and over again.
it is to this childhood ritual to which The Count attributes his dazzling
ability to count to five.
When he was about 11 years of age, the terrible
Blue Plague swept through Smokesylvania. The boy was quite ill for several
months and at one time was not expected to recover. His mother, however,
determined that The Count should live, summoned a kropsik lady, who after
performing an elaborate votchnik ritual on him, saved his life. However,
since the cure involved transfusions involving caffeine, The Count has
had a constant sturggle with cafe latte addiction. Several stays in a rehabilitation
clinic have helped to clean out his system, but even one cupp of the latte
keeps him up at night, and that has accounted for his perpetual pallor.
The disease also left him with an unnatural craving for blues music, which
he needs to hear constantly or he reverts to a near catatonic state.
Upon recovering from the plague the boy Count
was determined to regain his health through physical acticity, and also
needed some extra Grooshiks to help the now-struggling family, and so obtained
employment in the tanning factory of Zakneh and for a time cleaned the
public clocks in Glipsch. Being of a rather capricious nature, he amused
himself by changing the times on all the clocks. The Glipschniks,unaware
of the little trick played on them, and always following public clocks
for their schedules, never got anywhere on time, and hence the expression
"A Glipsch on time, never boils."
Eventually, The Count grew up and emigrated
to the United States. Smokesylvania had changed. Lightbulbs had emerged,
and the villagers no longer huddled around their television sets watching
their favorite programs by candlelight. The Count took a hard look around
and realized that all the excitement and dazzling television guests could
be found in The Hollywood of the California. And that is where he now makes
his home - as host of the only talk show in America to show and tell the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the Smokesylvanian truth - God help